8 Ties That You Should Own aka How To Be The Fanciest Monkey At Your Office

Adulthood. For most of my life, that word was nothing but a concept. It was the distant future, and as much as I imagined what it would be like, it remained intangible and, for lack of a better word, unimaginable. Of course it was. As children, our perspectives were extremely limited and we were perpetually stuck in nostalgia even as we lived it. We were stubborn and deep in our hearts, we refused to admit that one day, our childhood would end. We believed with all our might that though we may physically get older, we would stay just as we were. It was impossible to conceive that we would change; that our tastes, our desires, our friends, our surroundings, our world in general would eventually come to resemble something that our younger selves would never recognize. Eventually though, the Peter Pan dream is revealed to be exactly that and whether willingly or by force, we enter a new world of responsibilities.

And you know what? Thank God a billion, trillion times for that! The past is always tinted by the brain's uncanny ability to twist memories, but once you sit down and really think about it, we were all total scrubs when we were younger.

Yeah, I'm looking right at you, Lt. Scrub, of the US Army Reserve. And your Scrub Ranger buddy too.

I wrote that our younger selves might look at us and not recognize us. Well, we'd look back at them and burrow into our holes of shame, wishing we didn't recognize ourselves. While some of this may stem from past poor decisions, past hobbies, old Xanga posts, etc., for me, a significant chunk of this boils down to something quite simple. My clothes. As an elementary school student, I wore whatever my parents bought me, and let's just say, that at one point, my closest friend's mom had to stage an intervention. True story. When I hit high school, I had accumulated enough allowance money to suddenly be able to choose and buy to my own desires. Naturally, I went with oversized Sean John because children are nothing, if not absolutely retarded and without sense. Then came college, when I wore Urban Outfitters graphic tees with gym shorts and walked around like I was the shit. Turns out, college students are pretty dumb too. Who knew?

Then, one fateful summer, I went to work in Korea and was forced to learn something that all men would one day learn to do: tie a freaking tie. Over the next few years, I tried to assimilate the shirt and tie into my everyday outfits. And at first, it was awkward. My ties were an inch or two too wide for my frame, the designs were way too formal to wear to anything other than a wedding or a funeral, my windsor knot always turned out several sizes too big for my neck, and my shirts looked like parachutes in the wind. But little by little, everything started falling into place. I discovered 2.5 inch width ties, knit ties became a thing, the windsor was replaced by the much more casual and versatile four in hand, and perhaps most importantly, "slim" became a thing. I mean, did you know that when I was in college, J. Crew not only didn't have slim as an option, but didn't even have an XS size? Anyways, with all the proper pieces put together, I became hooked to dressing up day in day out. Maybe it was the years of misguided Rocawear, but wearing clothes that fit and looking everyday like I had dinner plans at Jean Georges felt damn good (I fully realize that in a few years, the cycle is bound to repeat, and I'll run away embarrassed at this version of myself as well. Til then, shhh. Just let me enjoy this).

I learned to love a crisp clean dress shirt. To appreciate a pair of pants that can hug your legs without looking like something you stole from your little sister. To take notice of the small details, like a pair of patterned socks, or a lapel flower. But above all, I became addicted to the piece of clothing that started it all: the tie. Compared to the ladies, men don't have very many ways to switch things up on a day to day basis, and that is why the necktie is so amazing. Simply switching out one tie for another has a drastic effect on the complete outfit and the perfect tie can be the difference between looking like you own the place and looking like you're wearing your father's hand me downs. However, I realize most people don't have the tenacity, or the insanity to collect as many of these beautiful things as I do. And so, in this article, I'll break down the 8 essentials. Basically, if you were to own 8 ties, make sure that you have at least one in each of these categories. Whew, that was a really long way to introduce a blogpost that deals with what basically are textile arrows that point to our -

Dachshunds. Arrows that point to our dachshunds. 

1. The Solid Black Tie

Shirt: J. Crew; Tie: Urban Outfitters; Tie Clip: The Tie Bar

This is first because this is the tie that every guy should have in their arsenal, even if they don't have any of the others on this list. The old classic way to tackle this would be to buy a nice Italian silk version to wear to your standard Black Tie events. However, taking into account that dress codes are becoming more and more casual and that people are increasingly looking to wear ties for more than just fancy shindigs, I would recommend picking one that's constructed of a good, durable cotton. It goes with literally everything and can be worn to every event. It's an instant way to upgrade and add a bit of dress to your otherwise scrubby outfit. And above all, it's usually much cheaper.

2. The Knit Tie

Shirt: Frank and Oak; Tie: J. Crew; Cardigan: Uniqlo; The Model: A Stud

The knit tie is the ultimate way to dress up without looking like you're on your way to an opera. In other words, super casual. Wear one with everything you have, whenever the hell you want. Some people may say that they're a bit too casual to wear to something like a wedding, but I say screw it. Try one with a nice fitted suit sometime and tell me I'm wrong.

3. The Stripe Tie

Shirt: Uniqlo; Tie: The Tie Bar; Tie Clip: The Tie Bar

The J. Crew Textured Silk Sisters.

The collegiate striped tie is a classic part of the prep life world wide. With its wide, diagonal striped, two toned pattern, it's instantly recognizable and has been around seemingly forever. These days, it comes in a variety of different fabrics, including the textured silk J. Crew ones above, but if you have to buy one, go for regular silk, in whatever color floats your particular boat. Of course, you don't need to restrict yourself to the college stripe pattern, by any means. Thin stripes, horizontal stripes, multicolored stripes. Really, there are so many options out there, it wouldn't hurt to have multiples in this category.

4. The Dot Tie

Shirt: J. Crew; Tie: The Tie Bar; Tie Clip: The Tie Bar

Shirt: J. Crew; Tie: Club Monaco; Tie Clip: Banana Republic

The only rule that one should follow when buying dot ties is, never go full on, huge ass polka dots. It looks ridiculous. Other than that though, buy whatever calls out to you. The enduring classic is of course, the pindot tie in silk. But if you want to dress down a bit, going a bit larger with the dots and switching to a cool cotton or chambray is perfectly acceptable, ala picture #2.

5. The Fall/Winter Tie

Shirt: J. Crew; Tie: J. Crew; Tie Clip: Banana Republic

Ties could and should be worn according to what the weather is outside. You wouldn't wear a wool sweater on a sweltering, July day, so why the hell would you wear a thick, wool tie? Save this awesome fabric and the muted, dark colors for when you're drinking a nice bottle of Souther Tier 2Xmas or perhaps, Schlafly's Pumpkin Ale. And then, when the Earth begins to defrost, and the seasonal beers start to become a watery mess again, we have...

6. The Spring/Summer Tie

Shirt: Bonobos; Tie: Bonobos; Vest: H&M; Swag: My own

Shirt: Frank and Oak; Tie: J. Crew; Tie Clip: J. Crew

There are multiple ways in which a tie can potentially fit this category. 1. Fabrics such as chambray, linen, and soft cotton. 2. Light, bright and pastel colors. 3. Anything flowery. 4. Not wool. Go down this list, make sure it satisfies at least two of the first three criteria (the fourth should be a given), and if it speaks to you, pick it up.

7. The Club Tie ..... Or At Least The Modern Descendant

Shirt: Frank and Oak; Tie: Thomas More; Tie Clip: The Tie Bar

In the past, club ties signified exclusive membership to whatever and consisted of a repeating pattern of that particular group's logo/insignia. For the purpose of this article, I'm going to use the term to just refer to a tie that uses the same repeating logo pattern, regardless of whether or not it has to do with allegiance to any particular institution. Like the collegiate stripe tie, this is a hallmark of a preppy outfit, although with more modern versions coming out in shapes such as rocketships, dinosaurs, and basically anything you can think of, it's broken down that label by now.

8. The As Long As It's Blue Tie

Shirt: Frank and Oak; Tie: Kiriko Boro. I call this my 'Murica! Outfit

Other than black, the one color you should make sure you have in your arsenal is blue. Seriously, one can never ever have too many things in this color. Along with black, it's one of the few colors that matches with almost anything, and as an added bonus, it's probably the only non black color that consistently looks good matched with different shades of itself. Do yourself a favor, and find one or two blue ties that fits into one of the previous categories, and then buy one that stands out all on its own.

Thus concludes, my ode to the most fashionable nooses ever conceived by mankind. I know none of you will listen to me and actually pick these specific 8 up, but I hope it was at the very least, an entertaining waste of your time. 'Til next time, my three readers.

Sneak Peek:

A free meal goes to whoever can figure it out.