A Way Too Overblown Analysis Of Something Pointless aka Just Another Post

There's a moment when I listen to U2's classic album, Joshua Tree, as soon as those first sweet, sweet notes of Where the Streets Have No Name come on, that I can't help but think of something a friend of mine once said: Joshua Tree's first three tracks comprise the best introductory one, two, three punch of any album ever. Quite the statement, no? But looking at the three tracks in question, it's not exactly an outlandish one. Where the Streets Have No Name, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For and With or Without You are without a doubt, classics in the U2 catalog and music in general. But best ever? As much as I was inclined to agree with my friend, I still needed, nay, demanded a more scientific study be done. And so, today's post was born for you, my three readers, to enjoy.

In order to reach a more proper answer to the question at hand, I started with 50 acclaimed albums from different genres of music. To keep this list manageable and because of an age bias on my part, I only included albums released in and after 1987, the year that Joshua Tree was released. I also only included albums I've listened to more than a few times, since I have no way of judging anything I have not listened to. I tried to keep genres balanced as best as I could, but it turns out I listen to hip hop way more than anything else. As for my criteria, I looked at what made Joshua Trees first three tracks so special and came up with this.
1. WTSHNN, ISHFWILF and WOWY (I'm gonna use acronyms for these tracks from now on because goddamn, these names are long) are full songs and not intro skits or instrumental free thought. No GOAT one, two, three punch can include a track that's not actually a song.
2. All three tracks are critically and popularly acclaimed/adored. If you ask an average fan of the artist in question, he or she should not only recognize the three tracks but enjoy them as well.
3. To take number 2 a bit further, if one was to make a U2 top ten list, all three tracks can fit in that list, easily. Here's the first list I pulled up off a Google search for best U2 songs and you can see WTSHNN at #2, ISHFWILF at #5 and WOWY at #6. One could probably even make the argument that these three tracks could comprise a top 3 list on their own. One would be mistaken though, because Pride is the GOAT U2 track. (Side note: I LOVE this cover of the track by The Roots.)
4. All three tracks are iconic in the grand scheme of music and not just its genre, although this may be more due to U2 than anything

Heavy Rotation Vol. 3: Cartoons and Cereal

The other day I discovered that I may be up to 4, even 5 consistent readers. Watch out world; pretty soon I'll need two hands to count the number of dependable readers this blog has! And so, despite my reluctance to write today, I feel that I must. I've been putting off the next post for a few reasons. The first is that there's been WAY too much good music coming in from all sides lately that it's been damn near impossible to narrow stuff down to just five tracks, especially if I also take into account the older stuff I rediscover from time to time. Ultimately, I decided to just screw the whole five track limit this time and double that to ten (plus the inevitable bonus track).

The second reason I've been procrastinating writing this post is that between finishing up school, drinking, catching up with friends before leaving, Captain America Civil War, drinking, starting my Army officer training and drinking, I didn't really have the time to sit down and crank this out. It may or may not surprise you but each post takes easily 2-4 hours. Granted some of that time is procrastinating, but still.

The final reason is that I couldn't think of something to rant about. Scratch that, I always have something to rant about. What I meant was I couldn't find a way to connect a rant to a track I've been listening to a lot recently. The last two posts kind of seamlessly connected track to rant and I know two is too small of a sample size to get attached to a particular format but damn it, it's my blog and it turns out that I have no motivation to write a half assed piece of work. Fortunately, as it always does, Netflix hath provided in its abundance. How? Well, you'll just have to read on to find out.

Heavy Rotation Vol. 2: The Heart Is A Dumb Dumb

Welcome back my two readers (I am still about 90% sure the Jadakiss rant scared off the third) to another episode of Heavyyyyyyy Rotation. The post in which I post about five songs that have been getting loads of play on my playlist while you read, nod politely and hopefully enjoy one of them. One and a half beers in, so excuse me as I eschew my usual long, winded intro paragraphs and jump straight to the meat of it all.

1. Anderson .Paak - Put Me Thru

Anderson .Paak's Malibu is most definitely a front runner for ending up in the top 5 albums of the year. If Kendrick Lamar ever decided to make an R&B album, this is what that album would sound like, if that makes any sense at all. It's loaded with great tracks from front to back and while I love the hell out of The Season and The Waters, I find myself playing this song and Light Weight the most. I highly recommend taking the time to listen to the whole record. Helping me to discover dude is probably the best thing to come out of Dre's Compton album.

2. King Krule - Baby Blue

A few weeks back, I was on a roadtrip with a few friends and as shotgun, naturally held all DJ responsibilities in my hands. I threw on my iPhone's playlist and let it play through, knowing full well that with the people I was with, I should expect very little, if any appreciation at all for most of the songs on it. All that is to say that I really was not very surprised when any and every King Krule/Archy Marshall song was met with a resounding WTF as soon as the vocals came in. He just might be the best worst singer I have ever been a fan of. Songs like Baby Blue remind me of why that is so, despite his objectively terrible singing

3. Richie Cunning - Pure Imagination

This song is chock full of moments that send chills up my music spine. The first few bars (from "Woke up" til "paint run"), the beat coming back for the beginning of the second verse, the Willy Wonka drop, both "take a breath...here we go again" lines, and o, yeah, the freaking Willy Wonka drop!!! Eargasms all around.

4. Yeezer (Kanye West/Weezer) - Perfect Homecoming

Lyrics get a lot of attention among the "real hip hop" crowd but if we've learned anything from the likes of Ras Kass, it's that even the best lyrical performance in the world can be damn near unenjoyable if the production isn't there. Mashup/remix albums like the Yeezer mixtape go a long way towards proving just how important the right backdrop can be for a rap song. The original Homecoming song, featuring Coldplay's Chris Martin, is a fine enough song but I always found it a unmemorable and the beat a bit too bland for its own good. But you take the vocals and put them over Weezer's Perfect Situation and all of a sudden, I can't seem to play this song enough. These two songs were absolutely made for each other.

5. Flatbush Zombies - New Phone, Who Dis?

I really enjoy this song, and actually, the entire new Flatbush Zombies album as a whole but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least the tiniest bit disappointed that it wasn't a remake of Sam's scathing diss track of Honeynutz and Shitstain from the hit show, You're The Worst. Wait, I'm sorry; did I say hit show? What I meant to say was, the greatest comedy of our generation that nobody other than myself and one other friend (she has impeccable taste as a side effect of hanging out with me too much) seems to be watching, You're The Worst. In a sea of sitcoms filled with cookie cutter, sappy ass relationships, You're The Worst is a certified breath of fresh air sprinkled with the occasional line of coke for good measure. The show walks the fine line between hilarious and appalling in the same vein as its fellow FXX show, Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but does it with a lot more wit and a little more heart. I find myself looking forward to seeing each and every character on the show (even the actual worst person on it, Becca) because everybody has their own bit of ridiculous to contribute.

Naturally though, I'm ultimately invested in the show based off the strength of its protagonists, Gretchen and Jimmy. Two horrible individuals, who are equally dead inside, that somehow find each other in the city of living dead that is Los Angeles. Although they initially fight it, both realize how similar and made for each other they are and that they truly do care for one another, albeit in their own fucked up sort of way. Like two pitbulls. Put either with another dog and that dog is toast. But together, they're couch buds. Watching the two of them is simultaneously emotionally draining and emotionally fulfilling.

Those who know me, know that I'm a bit of a cynic and a skeptic when it comes to things like love and prefer to think of relationships as more of a state of constant horror and bone deep dissatisfaction. As a rule, I never "like" anything on Facebook having to do with engagements and relationships and shit of that nature. I unfollow people who post too many couple pictures. I think that there's true beauty to be found in breakups and that the majority of people end up settling for whoever happens to be available that isn't a complete ass. You get the point. I started this show thinking it would further reinforce all such opinions on the matter. Strangely enough though, a few months ago, it pushed me back towards thinking that maybe, just maybe, there really is someone for everyone somewhere. That someday I'll find a girl who isn't just a choice, but inevitable. Even though I know that this road is almost inevitably going to be littered with the remains of broken hopes and dreams everywhere along the way. Do I regret allowing myself some semblance of hope again? Possibly. I'm not sure yet. After all, the heart is a very strange and, above all, a very stupid thing. Dumb dumb, indeed.

Anyways, watch the damn show. I'm gonna grab a few more beers and call it a night. See you next time my one reader (already assuming one of you left halfway through the You're The Worst rant. I gotta stop ranting).

Bonus: A Tribe Called Quest - Clap Your Hands

I couldn't let myself finish this post without posting a quick RIP to Phife Dawg. Tribe was/is my favorite hip hop group of all time and Midnight Marauders was/is my favorite album of all time. Hip hop will miss you. Keep bouncin.

Heavy Rotation Vol. 1: The Top 5 Dead or Alive Edition

With my readership reportedly up 50% from 2 to 3 regulars, I've recently been feeling the pressure that comes with that knowledge. The pressure to drop higher quality articles with at least more regularity than the current 3 articles per year rate I've been updating at. The higher quality was a lost cause from the very beginning (I literally do think I peaked with my first article) but higher quantity? Now there was a goal I could realistically achieve.

From that need to fill an imaginary quota came about the idea for a semiregular column that could be written with not much more effort than simply looking at my playlist for the past few weeks. That's right. This is another one of those "here's what I've been listening to" lists that you can find on just about any other blog worth its salt. But because this is the French Ass Restaurant and because its customers demand some sort of quality control, you can be damn sure that it'll feature better music, more croissant references, and the occasional long-winded (sometimes alcohol driven) rant. In every edition, I'll choose five songs that have been on heavy rotation (hey! that's the name of this column) on my phone for the past week and share them for your aural pleasure. To ensure that the list won't be overrun by 90s/00s era hip hop, there's the added self imposed rule that at least one song must be from the past month and at least one other song must be from a non hip hop genre. With those guidelines in place, I present to you, my 2 3 readers, Heavy Rotation Vol 1!

Top 20 Albums, 2015 edition

I know I usually love writing long, drawn out introductory paragraphs, but this time I thought I'd kind of jump straight to the point. It's the month-ish late top 20 albums of 2015 list that none of you two or three readers asked for. I just couldn't resist another opportunity to tell you how much better the music I listen to is, you know? (cue the boos) In all seriousness though, 2015 was quite the year for the industry as a whole, with a lot of quality albums dropping consistently throughout. I've never had a harder time putting these in an order I'm happy with, and find myself flip flopping and changing things up every damn time I think it over again. Albums #17-#7 could have been rearranged in any other order and I wouldn't have much of an argument against it. You'd think that this fact would more or less cement how pointless of an exercise this all is, but really, the whole point of this post isn't so much the order of the list. Nay, the whole point is actually the list itself. In other words, I think these 20 particular albums and artists deserve recognition and props for their greatness. It's just that nobody tends to give a damn unless there's a determined hierarchy to it all. People, am I right?

A Look Into the Evolution of a Beer Lover: All I Need In This Life Of Sin, Is Me and My Beer Can

Welcome back friends to the least updated blog you don't follow. You may be wondering what took so long for me to scrap together another post exploring the depths of our snobbery. Well, it was about 4 parts laziness, 3 parts sloth, 2 parts lack of inspiration and 1 part working on a marathon of an article. Thus, it took damn near a year but I would now like to reintroduce you to your best source for any and all croissant related articles. I wish I could tell you that you're about to read that aforementioned marathon of an article I was working on all year but in true French Ass fashion, that article is still under construction until further notice. Instead, I give you the answer to the oft-asked question of "How did you become an alcoholic?" "How did you become such a beer connoisseur?"

A Few Loose Ends and A Few More Ties

That title doesn't look nearly as witty or punny now that I've actually written it out, but it at least does the job of telling you exactly what this post is about. As some of you may have figured out, this is not the post that was promised when I put up that picture of Colin Powell for the sneak peak. The answer for that by the way was Black Republican. This next one was originally supposed to be a comparison of select albums in the discographies of Jay-Z and Nas. I'm still working on that one but it's taking much longer than originally anticipated to finish listening to their massive amount of collective work and I didn't want to wait until I finished to write something.